"What’s Love Got To Do With It?"

By The Rev. Peter Grandy
June 22, 2003

Song of Solomon 8:5-7
I Corinthians 13

As many of you know our daughter, Laura, is getting married later this week, so I hope you’ll indulge me a little as I use this time of meditation to reflect on love and marriage.

One of my favorite American poets is Ogden Nash, and I especially love his short poem, The Fly: “God in his wisdom made the fly, and then forgot to tell us why.”

Well, in the 50’s, he also wrote a humorous poem having to do with marriage:
Just as I know that there are two Hagens, Walter and Copen,
I know that marriage is a legal and religious alliance entered into
by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut and a woman who
can’t sleep with the window open.

Also he can’t sleep until he’s read the last hundred pages to find out
whether his suspicions of the murdered eccentric avarice secretary
were right.

And she can’t sleep until he puts out the light.
Which, when he finally does, she’s still awake and turns on hers;
And if he thinks she’s going to turn it off before she finds out
whether Janet marries the shy young clergyman or the sophisticated
young polo player, he’s erred.
Moreover, just as I am unsure of the difference between flora and
fauna and flotsam and jetsam, I am quite sure that marriage is the
alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays
and the other never forgetsam.

And he refuses to believe there is a leak in the water pipe or the gas
pipe and she is convinced she is about to asphyxiate or drown.
And she says, ‘quick get up and get my hairbrushes off the
windowsill, it’s raining in,’ and he replies, ‘Oh they’re all right, it’s
only raining straight down.’

This is why marriage is so much more interesting than divorce,
Because it’s the only known example of the happy meeting of the
immovable object and the irresistible force.

So I hope husbands and wives will continue to debate and combat
over everything debatable and combatable,

Because I believe a little incompatibility is the spice of life,
particularly if he has income and she is pattable.

Well, it was written in the 50’s, but I still think it conveys a very accurate picture of marriage. Each partner comes to it bringing what they have, sleeping with the windows open or shut, the blankets on or off.

But Ogden Nash’s humor aside, I really do believe that marriage is a beautiful gift from God given for our enjoyment. It offers to us companionship, and it offers opportunities for sharing, for growth, and for real human fulfillment.

Now, of course, I want to say from the beginning that, according to Scripture, ultimate fulfillment is union with God, and you don’t have to be married for this. Furthermore, nowhere in the Bible does it say we have to be married. In fact in many New Testament passages, it says it’s better to stay single, and indeed there are countless single people who are very fulfilled individuals and are very happy with their lifestyle. But another option we have is to give up the independence we have as a single person and to exchange it for a mutual sharing that takes place when we enter into a marriage, or a gay or lesbian union. And we can use this relationship as well, to move towards wholeness and fulfillment of life.

In order to reap the fullest fulfillment of our marriages, or in fact out of any relationship, there is an integral ingredient according to the Christian Gospel, and that ingredient is love, and, in particular, a love called agape in the Greek. I want to talk about agape today, but first I think it’s important to know that in Scripture there are three kinds of love, which are described, and there are three kinds of love which we share and express in a marriage or in any committed relationship.

The first form of love which we share is what we call physical or romantic love, the love spoken of in the Song of Solomon, and the word used in Scripture for this is eros. It is a way by which marriage is consummated, it is a way by which we can show our affection bodily, physically. It is a gift from God and a gift, which God has called good.

There is another love we share which we call friendship or companionship. The word in Scripture for this love is philia. I was born and brought up in Philadelphia, which comes from this word philia, the city of brotherly love. Philia is sharing, the sharing of ideas and experiences, and mutually supporting one another. And of course it is a great thing when husband and wife can be friends this way. My wife is my best friend; she is the person I’d rather be with more than any other person.

As important as these kinds of love are, they are not enough. Someone once wrote a book entitled, My Lover, My Friend, which is a nice title. It covers eros and philia, but it’s not enough, because there is a third form of love which is absolutely essential for a fulfilled marriage and, indeed, for a fulfilled life. The Bible refers to this as agape.

Essentially, agape is a love that is always for the other person. Every other kind of love can be basically self-centered. We may even be working for some worthy cause, but we have a way of making use of it for ourselves. I’m reminded of a story: there was a benefit banquet and after an impassioned plea for donations, people rose and pledged $10,000 and $5000, and some even sent notes forward with anonymous pledges. Then a man gets up and says, “I’m Samuel Stevens of Stevens Men’s Wear, 240 Fuller Street, free parking, easy credit, free alterations, and I pledge $25 anonymously.” Agape--that is not.

Agape love says, how can I give of myself in order that you will be fulfilled, in order that your life will be enhanced. It is this kind of love we see in Jesus Christ.

Now one very important thing to understand about agape is that it is a love, which begins with the people closest to us, and this is where some of us have problems. It’s amazing at times--there are people doing agape ministries out in the world, doing wonderful work, helping the poor and the oppressed, but their marriages are in trouble and they’ve lost contact with their own teenage children--the old Mills Brothers song, You Always Hurt the One You Love … the one you shouldn’t hurt at all. We seem to do this again and again.

And this is what I appreciate about the apostle Paul, because when he starts to apply agape he’s so practical and down to earth about it. If you look at Colossians and Ephesians, the first thing he says is “Husbands love your wives; wives love your husbands, children love your parents, parents love your children,” and it is agape all the way through. Paul begins the application of agape at home with the family. And I think this is exciting. Think what it would mean if a husband and wife loved each other with agape, not just physical compassion, not just companionship, but a mutual caring about each other as persons, a willingness to identify ourselves with the other person, to feel what they’re going through, to be present in a way that calls forth life. Think what that could mean. That’s what marriage is intended to be, according to the New Testament pattern.

There’s a good example of this dilemma in the play The Four Poster which is a wonderful story about marriage. There’s a moment in the play when the wife is expecting their first child and the husband’s giving her all sorts of problems: he gets sick and no one can find out why; he makes her care for him hand and foot; he gets depressed and lashes out at her. And when he finally comes around to talk about it, he admits that he’s scared, he’s afraid that the baby will ruin their relationship and he feels threatened, and he can’t understand why she doesn’t feel the same way. But you see, he never took the time to be aware of what was happening to her. For her it was an exciting time, but he was so wrapped up in himself, so totally self-centered, afraid, that he could not love her in this agape way; he could not call forth from her and share with her the affirmation and joy this event meant to her.

And, of course, communication is a part of agape love--the willingness to take the time and energy that’s involved in communicating what we’re thinking, how we’re feeling and where we are. That is a real act of caring, to try to communicate to the other person … or just knowing the person, taking the time for a long look at the person, just to see them as they are. Often we don’t know the other person, don’t care enough to know the uniqueness of that other person. There’s a scene in the play The Rainmaker where the daughter, Lizy, is talking to a friend about her father, and she is saying to her, “Some nights I’m in the kitchen washing the dishes and Pop is playing poker with the boys. Well, I’ll take the time to watch him real close and at first I don’t see too much, just an ordinary middle-aged man, not very interesting at all to look at. But then, minute-by-minute, I’ll see little things in him I never saw before, good things and bad things, queer little habits I never noticed he had, the way of talking I never paid any mind to. And then suddenly I know who he is, and I begin to love him so much I could cry, and I want to thank God I took the time to see him real.” Father, mother, child, husband, wife, partner … taking the time to see them real … that too is part of agape.

But I think one of the most important things to understand about agape love is that it is an act of will, a decision, a commitment. We have this terrible thing in this country of being so caught up in romantic love that we build our marriages totally on romantic love. You have a certain feeling in your heart, as the popular music says, about the other person. Well, after you’re married for a while your feelings start to change. It always happens to every couple. And the problem is when the feelings start to change we think the basis of the marriage is gone. But agape is more an act of will, you will to care for this other person, even if at times you don’t feel like it. That’s the beauty of it. And so often the feelings follow the act of will, but many couples never discover this because they give up way too early. They have based their marriage on the fickleness of romantic feelings for one another, instead of putting their roots down deep into the kind of love which God makes possible and which in the very center is an act of will, willing to care for the other person.

And so, in marriage, indeed in life itself, there are three forms of love available to us, all from God, all good. They are eros, philia, and agape, but the greatest of these is agape. Ministering to you in the name of Christ, amen and alleluia.